Dear aunt, who is 91, has broken her shoulder. Hospital has kept her for a mere 24 hours and sent her home. Wonder if she would be cheered by another visit from young policemen, and muse on new pretense to send them to her house. On further thought, decide it would be unwise, and shelve idea for future possible event.
Take visiting friends to Hoover Dam, which remains favorite of visitors. Dear friend has impish sense of humor and says in high voice, whenever guard passes by, ‘Jihad!’ Guard looks around at us suspiciously, and am prepared to pull out Purple Heart bought at flea market, and tell him story about time I saved one hundred men from certain destruction by throwing myself on live grenade. Guard, however, remains unclear as to who said what, and we continue with tour.
Pay visit to new doctor and clinic. Wait two hours to see doctor, but almost half of wait time is consumed by paperwork which could fill previously mentioned Dam. (Perhaps doctor believes paperwork has medicinal qualities? If so, where are these qualities located? They are certainly not for those patients who have carpal tunnel syndrome.)
At the end of it all, remain in dark as to whether I have consented to human experimentation or not. Paperwork has taken the time to ask me if I would consent to this, and informs me medical personnel is Looking Forward To It. If I do consent, writers of paperwork can reassure me that I will be kept apprised as to Side Effects. Am grateful for their consideration, but reluctant to offer myself as blank slate for who-knows-what experiments.
In five more pages, I am also told that my Privacy is Protected At All Costs, unless there is a national emergency, or if the staff becomes bored and needs new topic for discussion during Coffee Breaks.
During end of waiting period, small boy arrives with mother, grandmother, and sister. Dear Wyatt, whose name is not difficult to ascertain, as Wyatt’s mother repeats it many times, proceeds to run over and over again through waiting room, and play loudly with sister. He and sister very sensibly ignore mother, who tells them many times to Stop That Right Now. (Motherhood seems to convey deafness in many mothers, and corresponding lack of hearing in children.)
Grandmother chimes in when she tells dear Wyatt that she will let everyone in waiting room beat him up. Spirits in waiting room rise like dough in warm room on hearing this, but are dashed when grandmother does not Follow Through. Remain hopeful that dear Wyatt will run close enough to me to be tripped, but this desire goes unfulfilled, as Wyatt evades my foot every time.
Wyatt’s sister watches traffic report on waiting room television, and tells her mother that she can see Daddy’s car from the air, amongst the fifty thousand other cars on freeway entering airport on ramp. Dad has either flown coop or is going to work and will be enjoying peace and quiet in airport terminal.
End day with quiet walk in park with dear Sugar, who begins to foam at the mouth from running without ceasing for an hour. Other park enthusiasts eye her warily, as if she may have rabies. Feel urgent need of lavatory while there, and have recourse to outhouse which is strangely placed in parking lot. Interior is all that one would expect and decide on rabies shot for myself after using it. Later, on leaving, see park’s regular restrooms, unnoticed before.
(Note to self: Practice being more observant in order to avoid life threatening situations in future.)
Diary Of A Provincial Sophisticate 