October 30-

Go bicycling, and man wearing Pork Pie hat passes on his bike and says in sing song voice that His bike is better than Mine. Am startled to hear it, and wonder whether I should get new bike. Have no hope that Don will agree this constitutes valid reason for buying another one.

pork pie hat

Later, look for a Pork Pie hat instead of new bike. If I see man again I can sing I have Better Hat than he Does. Swimming poses no problem with anyone telling me they have better swimsuit, although this no doubt true, since I am no longer purchasing expensive suits to be consumed by chemicals.

Dear Don took truck and it is now newly washed and gassed, with fluids all in harmony. Truck and I are temporarily at a loss, as we have not had full tank of gas for a very long time. Spend pleasant few minutes contemplating All the Places I’d Go with unlimited fuel.

(Getting Older means many changes. Auto Erotica now signifies the exciting and pleasurable prospect of full tank of fuel.) Idle fancy occurs of mechanically-minded naughty website featuring cars with open hoods, doors, or Up on Jacks.

eyelashes

(Query: Is this reason for fake eyelashes for headlights?)

Visit doctor’s office and wait usual hour and a half. (Wonder, not for the first time, how an appointment has helped either patient or doctor.) Doctor has very kindly provided big screen television in lobby area on which to play movies and no doubt, prevent riots at long Wait. Small child in stroller screams entire time I am waiting, reminding me to ask doctor about sudden mysterious occurrence of headaches.

jumanji

Later, after arriving home from doctor’s office, small neighbor boy brings Sugar numerous squeak toys to make up for one eaten by their dog. Squeaks are now heard from every corner of house, and am left pondering whether this was Act of Charity or Hostility. Find large rawhide bone hidden under pillow when I go to bed, and as usual, wonder about dear Sugar’s True Intentions.

Mr. Squeak mysteriously appears in my purse during errands, leaving me to wonder if he is a spy and has now blown his cover, or whether this is a hint that Sugar would like to come along, too. Mr. Squeak speaks up during a search for my wallet and cashier shoots me strange look, but I Carry On. Did not have as much cash as expected, but as Mr. Squeak appears innocent and was hiding nothing in his pockets, I let him go on his Own Recognizance.

Sugar and Squeak

(Lack of cash flow no doubt engendered by my own efforts. Resolve to stop Placing Blame on Others. Do not know whose fault it is that I do this.)

 

 

 

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October 23-

Dear Friend comes to town and forgets to call me. Am very upset and vow to emulate great Russian writers, who wrote so movingly about the great Tragedies of Life. Decide failure of friend to phone does not fall into same category as oppression, death by frozen Gulag, starvation, and war.

All is back in perspective, and I continue with my activities, chief of which is writing about Incidences in this Diary. (Circle of Life never fails to surprise with it’s unerring accuracy.)

russia

Give myself a permanent, which is also known as chance to practice all my Swear Words. Am convinced that wrapping hair in tiny rollers is worse than childbirth. (Distance of twenty-four years from dear Brandon’s arrival no doubt reason that I would compare rolling hair to giving birth.)

One Tiny Roller’s elastic band with hard plastic cap snaps back and hits thumb causing great pain. (Am painfully reminded of having lawnmower starter string snap back and hit me on chest in very sensitive spot several years ago.) Tiny rollers finally in place, but come loose from their moorings and hang askew. Permanent still comes out well, despite initial fright of having knots of hair fall out.

(NB: Tiny things of life cause Great Grief, but remind myself of frozen Gulags, starvation, etc.) Russian writers missed significant literary opportunity to chronicle human angst manifested by unceasing feminine devotion to Pursuit of Beauty. Do not know whether Russian writers wrote about unceasing masculine Pursuit of Booty, pirate or otherwise.

Desire to workout in fresh air leads me to make mistake of taking giant yellow exercise ball outside. Am reminded vividly of Booty when ball explodes after it meets small hard rock, and catapults me onto large metal tools. Avoid life-threatening injury, but  chance to win Big Money by sending film clip of this to funny video show is out of the question, as no one is present to film the Agony without the Ecstasy.

elephanton ball

Watch television and read magazines with Sugar comfortably ensconced next to me when she suddenly jumps down to get Mr. Squeak. Before she can return, Don lies down in her spot. Sugar stops three feet away, Mr. Squeak dangling feet first from her mouth, and stares at him disbelievingly. When we become hysterical, she turns away with dignity, and goes behind sofa.

Leaf through fashion magazine, with coy excuse that it is ‘for the articles’, but is really for the pictures, and read how-to article on Protecting Your Relationship. Am curious to see if Don and I are safe from current pitfalls.

Article focuses on two young, very wealthy, jet-setting entrepreneurs, so feel comfortable they must Know What They Are Talking About. Mr. and Ms. Jet-Setter begin by telling dear Reader that they are always home for dinner. Mr. Setter is owner of corporate jets so being on time for dinner seems effortless, unless Mr. Setter has forgotten keys to jet.

jet

They continue by saying they don’t always consult each other when spending money, and Ms. Setter has proven it by buying brand-new, expensive sports car without telling Mr. Setter, who is probably in Jet somewhere, and therefore not available for consultation. Think of Don who is always so lenient when I spend $100 at grocery store. Article also tells me that I should Outsource Housework, avoid Toxic Friends, and Have Sex whenever possible to enhance and protect Relationship.

While I can get on board with a) by ordering dear Brandon to do housework, and b) because I seldom see friends except once or twice a year, unless they come to town, and then are very likely to forget to call me, c) is more difficult as dear Don and I both fall asleep on sofa by 9 o’clock. Resolve to Make Effort in this direction.

(Query: Did Article mean sex only with Each Other?)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

October 20-

Sample Ballot for early voting arrives in mail. Leaf through it in order to Be Informed, become bored, and ask dear Don to read it and form my opinions for me. (Have no hope this will go well. He has listened to many of my opinions over the course of this relationship, and therefore believes in my ability to form them.)

Feel compelled to find old song, ‘Once Upon a Time’, the tune of which has been playing in my head over and over. Find it on popular website with accompanying video, and dissolve into tears as pictures of long-gone Beautiful People embrace one another while song plays.

(Possible treatise on why women feel the need to Weep on otherwise beautiful day presents itself, but cannot see properly to begin writing.)

once upon a time

Sharing song and video with Don leads to revelation (am not sure how) that he has never read The Highwayman, so I read it to him and break down again when landlord’s Red-Lipped Daughter shoots herself to save Dashing Highwayman. Dear Don at first very much against Dashing Highwayman as being thief and possible murderer, but after hearing poem, he joins me in tears.

(NB: Sentimental men so refreshing).

Goal of skinnier body closer than ever but feel as I might sprout wings and fly like a chicken. Am not sure chickens fly, but I have not been eating eagles, so cannot Metaphorically become one. (Am convinced that if diagnosed with anorexia, loss of weight would be slow, but conversely is rapid after one potato chip).

Melody of song continues to play in head over and over, but substitute word ‘carbohydrates’  instead of Love. Have often wondered at inclination of human brain to skip from one dilemma of life to another. Remember when young, carbohydrates had no effect on Figure, which was perhaps why Love appeared so often, so can see where Brain might find link between the two.

Roll out mountain bike from summer hibernation and fill tires. Reflect once again that southern Nevada is like the South Pole where everything is opposite. Try to remember how it felt to embrace outdoor activities in summer, rather than winter. Further reflection reminds me that in a month, I shall be enjoying these activities while many others will be muffled to eyebrows in winter clothing.

vintage bike

(Later, conduct research on internet to make sure everything really is opposite in South Pole, but after doing so, am no closer to answer. Vague idea presents itself that water goes down drain in counterclockwise motion).

Have now grand total of three bicycles: One stationary bike which has electronic console which only permits of one speed, Difficult, one vintage bike hooked up to outside trainer, and one mountain bike.

Grandiose plans take place in Mind of riding at least one of these bikes every morning, and then swimming in afternoons. Las Vegas speculators likely to Clean Up if making book on whether I live or die with proposed physical routine in place.

bookie

(Query: Faith in personal abilities far removed from actual capabilities. Is distance between Belief and Reality typical of advanced age?).

 

 

 

October 18-

Plan traditional Halloween festivities for October 31. Festivities include turning off porch and interior lights, putting cars away, unplugging phone, and sitting on sofa eating Halloween candy ourselves in darkened house.  Dear Sugar has tendency to bark at slightest sound, but remain hopeful that small mendicants knocking at front door will think she is home alone.

Maternal enforcement of covered costumes during one night of year when they may be worn on street strikes fear in every child’s heart. However, weather continues warm.  Halloween in Nevada ensures proper exposure of chosen spooky ensemble.

(Clarion tones of mother raised in exhortations to Put on Sweater as it is Cold Out remain in memory long after youth has passed).

ghost

Wrote entire entry for Diary during wakeful hour last night before sleep overtook me. Could not remember single word of it in the morning, because dear Sugar, who had climbed up next to me on pillow, kicked me in the ear.

(Mem: Learn to sleep with one eye open, or wear ear muffs.)

Related scenario of Wakeful Brain to Don next evening, who suggested I keep recorder next to bed. Queried whether this might not interfere with his sleep? Debate ensued, not sure how, centering on Differences Between Men and Women and the number of questions each asks when listening to stories told by the other. (Satisfactory conclusion to summit not reached.) Recorder remains ensconced in undisclosed location, as I have forgotten where I put it.

(Query: Are not convoluted discussions, especially those bearing on Differences Between the Sexes, better left for daytime?)

Sit on front porch in rocking chair to enjoy fine weather. Sugar runs back and forth between neighboring dogs behind fences, who display envy of her freedom by barking ferociously. Police car pulls up in front of house, and thought occurs that perhaps I am supposed to be doing something other than sitting in rocking chair?

Mark_Twain,_New_Hampshire,_1905

(Sight of law enforcement, school principal, and other figures of authority, still has power to make me wonder if I am doing Anything Wrong.)

Police officer talks at length with man who appears to be homeless. Sugar walks over to investigate, and Officer holds arm straight out to side with palm facing up in front of Sugar, but does not turn his head in her direction. Sugar is clearly at a loss, as chronic lack of vehicular traffic inside our house has precluded the use of this hand signal, and it is unfamiliar to her.  Call her over before she is shot for being Menace to Society.

james cagney

Despite proximity to incident, I fail to arrive at conclusion as to what It Is About. Homeless Citizen is taken away in police car, and shopping cart is left behind. Cart appears to be almost empty, and fears of theft of man’s belongings are allayed. Homeless man overheard to say He has no Address, so am left wondering if police think it alright to drop him off Anywhere?

(Query: Is homeless man perhaps powerful ringleader of Shopping Cart Theft Gang? If not, concerns arise as to best use of Taxpayer Money as it pertains to police.)

Neighborhood pool again closes due to broken heat coil. Other pools are unsatisfactory, with very deep swim lanes. Despite swimming in broad daylight, and wearing goggles rendering entire pool in clear sight, have vague fears of denizens with sharp teeth creeping up on me.

(NB: Water Denizens of deep probably do not creep, unless they are wearing sneakers).

pool

Shallow lane in new pool inhabited by five elderly friends who discuss aneurysms, blood clots, and unexpected trips in ambulances, while moving at pace of Iceberg. Weave in and out, trying not to rock them, but fear they are bobbing in my wake like smaller icebergs. While driving home, I pass woman in her seventies on Vespa, wearing pink helmet, pink shirt, and little pink sandals. (Is she perhaps Pinkie Tuscadero, now no doubt, a grandmother?)

Reflect once more that I fall somewhere between Old, Eccentric, and Adorable, and Young, Wild, and Fascinating. That this has been my situation no matter what age I am currently in, remains a mystery. (Decide I would look well on scooter wearing Pink Helmet.)

pinkie

Use of strange pool coincides with broken hand paddle, and busted headband for waterproof radio. Even though I am aware that none of this is new pool’s fault, I continue to place blame for all squarely on its shoulders.

(Mem: Would not like to think of self as inflexible and Opposed to Change. Must watch closely for tendency, although am not necessarily disposed to do anything about it.)

 

October 16-

Mysterious banging in wall continues all day.  A mouse has found his way into vitamin drawer and ingested large quantity of allergy pills. Mouse is now Stoned Out of his Mind, and having Time of His Life behind kitchen sink. Have made repeated attempts to dissuade him from taking up residence in house, as I am of firm mind that he is perfectly capable of living outside. Hole in wall ensuring ingress must be found and covered. Reflect, not for the first time, that while older homes may be charming, they are not All they are Cracked up to Be.

(Am faintly resentful that Mouse is having better time than I am.)

mouse

Spend sweaty hour cleaning under appliances. Later, dear Don imitates Mouse, kicking his feet across clean  floor, saying This is Nice, This is Nice. (Memories of sweat pouring in eyes during cleaning ensures lack of amusement on my part.)

Dear Brandon is known in certain circles as the Mouse Whisperer. He has, on occasion, when we lived in the country, put large hat over mouse who is Playing Dead in middle of floor, and carried him outside to freedom. Mouse then expresses gratitude by using second chance to Spread the Word about local available resources.

(Dear Sugar is determined to make his acquaintance, but Mouse keeps low profile when not in Party mode.)

Take time to finish seventies novel, Goodbye Columbus, Memories recrudesce of long-distant youth and movies that were current, and  conclusion arises that I do not understand them now any better than I did then. Escapist Literature aptly named as I only wish to escape reading certain books. (Motivation to read library books comes from desire to return them after many months of renewal.)

Goodbye Columbus  Original Cinema Quad Poster

Park in front of library and older man in new sports car asks me for jumper cables. I reply in the negative, and he says He didn’t think I would as I am a Woman. As he is a man, and doesn’t have cables, and is, in fact, the one who needs them, I fail to understand rationale for patronizing comment. Three or four chihuahuas in front passenger seat could very well explain lack of native intelligence on his part.

On exiting library, two Young Things ask me to sign petition to legalize marijuana. I agree and sign, but remark that all drugs should be legalized in order to tax them, reduce crime, ensure cleanliness of illegal substances, and empty jails. One Young Thing is very shocked and says Oh, no, some drugs should not be legalized.

(Would like to have ‘shocked’ Old Thing who has dead battery and multiple chihuahuas, but lack of jumper cables prevents this, and I do not carry tazer.)

hippie

Drive home musing over the diametrical opposition of two age groups, but contradictory to what one might expect. (Remember generational conflict in Goodbye Columbus. Reflect that reading it was perhaps not Waste of Time as I discover parallel between Life and Literature.)

Had vivid dream about a Tuna fish sandwich last night. Bread curiously elongated, as if made from an entire loaf, and am just about to enjoy a bite, when I awaken. Decide to fix tuna fish salad for lunch, sans bread. (Have not tasted bread for many months.)

sandwich

Thoughts of bread make me feel very Upper-Crust when taking down Summer Curtains to replace with Winter Curtains. Entire procedure takes five seconds when I pop pressure rod off of frame and fold up blackout curtains. Sunshine, which only weeks ago, set off smoke alarms,  now welcome addition to everyday life.

Am victim of two instances of Random Violence whilst at neighborhood pool. Young, pretty lifeguard, with annoyingly perfect figure, (no doubt maintained with no effort on her part, and with daily ingestion of tuna fish sandwiches) comes by to chat with me while she oils handrails with cloth.

(Give myself motivational speech that having perfect figure not necessary at my time of life. Thought inserts that it would Still Be Nice.)

Oiled handrails do not bode well. While trying to hoist myself out, hands slip, catapulting me back ungracefully into pool. Reassure lifeguard as to my well-being, Dignity Only injured, and try to don swim cap as barrier to chemicals. Swim cap very tight, snaps back in curt way, and slaps me on face, producing memories of General Patton. Dignity again injured, but still do not require ministrations of lifeguard.

lifeguard2

(Am concerned lifeguard feels ineffectual, but am not prepared to give valid reason for rescue.)

Swimming still an important part of each day, though am aware that leaving pool sopping wet in clammy suit will very soon be pneumonia-inducing on drive home.

(Mem: If necessary, ask Mouse if he can spare cold medicine.)

 

 

 

October 13-

Dear Don munches potato chips and has apple pie for dessert as we watch television show after dinner. I ask him what happened to Diet he plans to start. He answers that after he has Removed these Foods from Temptation he will begin. Cannot make any reply to this curious rationale, as it is one I have used many times, and am in fact, the originator of pronouncement.

Numerous pies were dropped off by old friend who had many left after food convention. Since Don had just informed friend the night before that we were a) on strict diet, or, b) just about to start one, can only wonder about process of thought which made him believe pies would be welcome. Some are distributed to friends, but others come home, and it became clear to me that pies, indeed, are very welcome as far as dear Don and Brandon are concerned.

pie

Take cold medicine as contribution to dessert, and read instructions on bottle. Instructions state in no uncertain terms that taking more than four doses in a 24 hour period very risky, and will lead to Liver Failure. Frantically consult watch, and hope that I do not forget tomorrow and consume two or more doses.  Incipient sore throat reason for this unusual consumption of mouth-puckering medicine. Dear Brandon suffering from cold, and am hoping it will not Go Through the House.

Become overwhelmingly sleepy from cold medicine and thoughts of temptation, dessert, organ failure and death fall away. (Query: Could not cold medicine be used as dietary technique when temptation becomes strong? Sleep a good antidote to cravings as eating is not possible when sleeping.) Feel it far more likely that I will become addicted to cold medicine despite dire warnings on bottle.

cold

(Check carbohydrate count in each dose, and reflect that for many women, weight loss retains priority even over Death and liver failure.)

Eagerly check messages to see if dear Mel Brooks has read the post of October 09, wherein he is mentioned, and became so overwhelmed he could not wait to contact me. Am just thanking him profusely in another message, and telling him he is mentioned in this entry also, when thought inserts itself that ‘Crazy Blogger and Stalker’ is not a label with which I want to be identified, even by Hollywood community.

Am gratified to learn that dear Amazon technicians have finally fixed glitch in system, and have published Diary to Kindle blogs. Am accepting award for Best Blog of the Year from panel of experts, although have not decided where their expertise lies, when I notice number of blogs in existence on Kindle. Have no hope that anyone will ever find this Diary amongst the five million already there. (http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00NWZSUG6)

Dear Brandon wanders in and tells me a friend has been called for jury duty three times, and each time friend replies to Court that he is a Racist, a Communist, and a Fascist. Dubious virtues of friend are ignored by Court, and they continue to require him to make appearance. Brandon tells friend to inform them that he Reads Books.  This, he says, is sure-fire way to be excused from duty. If this is indeed true, does not fill me with confidence in justice system or being tried by jury of Peers.

Would want to know if my Twelve Angry Men have read Inherit The Wind before coming to a decision concerning my fate.

12_angry_men

 

 

 

 

October 06-

Feel envious after reading novel about upper-class British before World War II who spoke French in front of parlourmaids when discussing local scandals. Parlours and maids very rare in our neighborhood, so make plans to speak French to Don in front of Mailman as soon as available scandal presents itself.

On further reflection, shelve idea as Don knows Spanish, but does not speak French, so we would get no further, and risk instead wounding feelings of Philippine mailman. Fear also that deficiency of scandals makes plan inviable.

(Query: Are scandals exclusive property of politicians, and if so, can they be distributed more equitably? This would serve as excellent example of Democracy and How Our Country Works. Affairs of State, or any other kind, never dull.)

servant

Spend extraordinary amount of time on hold with state agency to gather information about acquiring real estate broker license. Was assured by disembodied Voice at beginning of telephone odyssey, in polite and brisk manner, that I would wait on hold a mere 21 minutes. Fifty minutes later brisk Voice is still assuring me that my call is Important to Them, and alternately, that My Call Will Be Answered in the Order Received. (Query: How can I be sure? Suspicion here presents itself that I am Being Made Fun Of by lounging employees laughing at blinking lights on phones).

Voice occasionally insists that I should Keep Holding, and I am forced to agree with her, as I have invested much of my life into this telephone call and do not like to feel time was wasted. (Query: Is this not the same deluded rationale women apply to certain books, movies, and boyfriends?).

phone booth

Other phone call to medical provider looms in near future, with similar hold times, and I wonder if there is course of study that can be undertaken during times of forced inactivity. Phone calls to agencies can be folded into weekly study time, with result being that I will become qualified for all manner of occupations. Feel quite proud of time management technique, should I ever choose to use it. (Perhaps I could start business of waiting on hold for people?)

Catch up on news while on hold and am bemused by television ad for prescription pill designed to alleviate too much water in system. Soothing voice, eliciting confidence in Bloated Consumer, informs viewers that should Increased Urination develop after swallowing water pills, to Contact Doctor.  Consider calling and requesting advice from appliance store after washing machine renders clothing clean, or contacting supermarket manager after groceries are consumed, and hunger assuaged.

(Note to self: Tendency to flights of sarcasm not always appreciated by strangers or friends).

 

 

 

 

 

 

October 02, 20-

Being Good becomes oppressive and succumb to overwhelming need for sugar while watching Star Trek, The Next Generation last night. Ate two candy bars and piece of pie.

Disgust with self non-forthcoming, and was pleased with devolution rather than otherwise. Decided to make up for it, as recall reading that if Sinner jumps back on wagon by following day, calories consumed the night before cannot latch onto thighs. This causes me to think of leeches, and wonder if there is store in town that sells them for dietary purposes. This leads to revolting thought that there may be cultures that eat leeches. Wonder if leeches would be happy here, with so much sin to clean up.

Weigh seriously the possibility that alien life form assumed temporary control of brain and forced me to eat dessert. Feel this is excellent justification for being Bad.

alien control

Have watched all episodes of show as never watched it first time around. Feel bereft when show is done. Have noticed similar phenomenon after watching other shows. Story lines often lead to heated discussions with family as to whether various personnel on starship have made correct decisions or displayed sound rationale. Familial tranquility much ruffled by occasional shortsightedness of professional writers.

(Query: Are they necessarily the best choice for chronicling subjects such as inter-species romance, galactic war, or quantum mechanics?).

Domestic arguments may very well have generated strong letters to writers of show, but remember in time show has been archived for twenty years and writers no doubt scattered to other ‘enterprises’. Imagine host of little starships hovering around Hollywood studio, ready to welcome Writers on board.

Object strenuously to pejorative applied to comet in one episode, as being ‘rogue’. Feel that comet has perfect right to zoom through space. Dear Don disagrees. He maintains comet is ‘rogue’ and belongs in its own galaxy instead of disrupting others’ playtime. Dear Brandon begins to strut to kitchen in performance meant to mimic putative Rogue Comet. I adhere to original position, as I feel it is Wrong to be judgmental about comets.

comet

(Query: Does retirement and non-involvement in working life generate too much absorption in fantasy, and if so, shouldn’t city call upon us more often for jury duty?).

Decide being juror would create Conflict of Interest as Star Trek aficionado may be unable to decide whether accused  is really alien in disguise. (Think of Kim Kardashian to determine how she might appear with markings peculiar to Cardassian warriors).  Enjoy a few moments planning spending spree with dollars earned while on jury duty.  Realize spree will be small.

Driving presents further difficulty as it becomes necessary to restrain impulse to say Engage, and then drive at Warp Speed. Remind self that truck is not equipped with cloaking shields which would Render it Invisible to law enforcement.

Born To Be Wild plays on cellular as personal ringtone, and does not help dissipate natural inclination to defy law and convention.